When Mother's Day is bitter-sweet

And for some, maybe it's just bitter.For me, it's both. I was thinking this morning when I woke up, that I hope this is the worst Mother's Day I ever have. I know it sounds dark...but it's honest. I've been dreading this day since my mom died in January. I haven't been able to write too much about that here. It's too raw. Too painful. But today, I hope it is the worst Mother's Day. I hope this is the deepest part of the valley. I hope that from here on out, it can just get better. But is that too much to hope? I'm a little scared now. Scared to hope too much or trust too much in the good things.Last year on Mother's Day, I hiked alone in the snowy woods of Colorado, cried out to God, asked lots of whys. I poured my heart to Him about the frustrations of adoption, the children I had met and longed for... I begged for a reason to hope, and felt like I was so broken. Little did I know that in the next 12 months, we would lose our Uganda adoption, and then our domestic adoption, and worst of all, my mother.  I didn't know that I was about to go through the hardest year of my life. I was already feeling pretty broken that day - but with a bit of hope still left. I still had determination, drive, and expectation.And then loss on top of loss. And then my mom died.I'm still trying to process the death of my mom. It's been nearly five months but I feel like it happened two weeks ago. I'm still trying to get through the drudgery of every day life that seems so much harder than it ever was before. As C.S. Lewis wrote in A Grief Observed, "And no one ever told me about the laziness of grief. Except at my job-where the machine seems to run on much as usual- I loathe the slightest effort. Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much...Only as a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night; he'd rather lie there shivering than get up and find one. It's easy to see why the lonely become untidy; finally, dirty and disgusting... Meanwhile, where is God?"  I so relate to this. I have no energy. I feel exhausted and challenged in every way. I struggle to be motivated and I can't seem to be productive. It's a struggle to keep two businesses going, but I have to. I feel guilty and lazy...but deep down I know it's not truly me. I have to remember that there's reason for it...but I still feel bad about it. And I don't think most others really understand.  But Lewis lifted my spirits a bit when he put into words what I've been experiencing. I'm not alone.You're not alone.So how do I "celebrate" Mother's Day when my mom died too early and our attempt at starting a family has failed over and over again? I know there are others out there who are in this boat, too. I know some people are longing and begging for children. I know people who have lost babies. I know people have lost mothers too soon (is there ever a time that's not too soon?) I know people who have mother's who are still here in physical form, but not-so-much emotionally available. I want to say to those who are there in the valley - I'm with you. But more importantly, God is with you. It's a mystery and sometimes we don't feel Him here, but I know he is. I am still breathing, yes? Am I still able to sometimes laugh with and enjoy the people in my life? Yes. Am I still able to see glimpses of beauty and hope (although fewer and less often than usual)? Yes. Am I still able to call out to God, even if it's in despair? Yes. For these things I'm grateful.Even though I'm in the valley of grief- I know, still, that I am blessed. Although I miss her with a deep ache, I'm choosing today to be grateful for the mother I did have. The one who truly loved me for the time she was here. I have beautiful memories and many people still here who knew her and loved her, too. And I have a hope in the promise of God that she is fully alive and fully healed today - living in the place of no-more-tears, and that I'll get to see her again."For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39May we all one day, see and feel and know the sweetness of Mother's Day. I know for me, it will always have a tinge of pain, because I will always want to call mom and tell her I love her. I will have to wait (who knows how long) to see her again. But I still cling to the little bit of hope that one day I will experience what it's like to be a mother, and have a new reason to rejoice on this day. I hope that you will, too.I will always love you, mom.First