Breakage

 "Breakage, whatever it's cause, is the dark complement to the act of making; the one implies the other. The thing that is broken has particular authority over the act of change". -Louise GluckI feel something moving and stirring inside me. Somewhere deeper than I've been before. I am completely broken. Not long after the second failed adoption, my dear mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. It was a shock and a devastation to my heart that I have never experienced before.  My grief-wound just keeps getting bigger. To be honest, this losing of my beautiful mother makes the adoption losses feel like nothing. The adoption losses were hopes dashed, but this, this was a piece of my 33 year old heart being torn out. The first week I felt like I didn't want to go on. I wondered how I could even do life without knowing my mom was a phone call, text, (or for the last six months, a short walk away). I debated about the point of life anymore....not that I wanted to end it all, but the feelings were so raw- so deep - so foreign - I didn't know how to move forward. Thank God for His love and hope...for the peace that does surpass understanding, and for the many beautiful and loving people I have in my life. I've never felt more loved, more supported, than in the depths of the valley these last few months.But many moments I hear myself asking "Now this? God, what in the world are you doing? Why do you allow such pain? What is the point of all this? Why didn't you just heal her? Why, why, why?" It's in the broken places that we're most desperate for Him. In the dark places where He shines more extravagantly.  So now I'm on this journey of healing. Again. But this time it's harder. This time it seems like things will never be the same (and they won't). But I've been hearing and thinking about all of this and how God can possibly bring 'beauty from ashes'. But he does it all the time.  I've been reading a lot of Henri Nouwen lately, and this struck a chord in my soul....this gives me hope in the midst of healing. "Healing begins not where our pain is taken away, but where it can be shared and seen as part of a larger pain. The first task of healing, therefore, is to take our many problems and pains out of their isolation and place them at the center of the great battle against the evil one.... As we create the space to mourn-whether through one-to-one relationships, small support groups, communal celebrations [or the blogosphere ] - we free ourselves little by little from the grip of the evil one and come to discover in the midst of our grief that the same Spirit who calls us to mourn stirs us to make the first movement in our dance with God..." -Henri Nouwen.One of my favorite verses in all of scripture talks about God turning our mourning into joy....another verse even says he turns mourning into dancing. I've quoted this before and actually, our dear friend Yemi who spoke at mom's memorial service shared it too:"...To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." -Isaiah 61So what is it that he's doing? I don't believe God wants us to experience loss like it - it was never intended to be this way. But I do believe (and have seen) how He turns ashes into beauty, how He brings goodness out of evil, and joy out of mourning. I also think that He can shed some kind of miraculous light into the dark places of our hearts if we are open. And maybe, He'll use it to change the world around us for the better- to bring hope, and joy, and healing to others....we all need it desperately.