Dear Mom,

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Dear Mom,A letter to you on your birthday.It's a gray day in New York. But you would have found a way to remind me of the bright side. You always had a way of finding something good even in the hardest of circumstances - at least for everyone else. It was harder for you to do that in the last years of your life. I think your positive nature and desire to shield others from your pain was a heavy burden you carried for many years.  Today as I miss you, I think about the last day I saw you five years ago this day. You hadn't been feeling well for some time and I begged to take you to the doctor or the hospital but you wouldn't let me. I brought you tiramisu and we sang happy birthday to you - you chimed in and sang along which I found to be very funny and just-like-you. I was really worried about you and had I known then that in the few days, you would be gone, maybe I would have done something different.  In the last years, the alcohol served as your respite and then it consumed your life.  There's so much to say about the last few years of your life - the questions I have and truths about the pain surrounding your way of numbing your pain and sadness. I was losing you years before I lost you and it breaks my heart.I've lived with this burden and grieved many times over but I know you wouldn't want me to carry any guilt. I know your deep love and protection for me (and Ryan) were always present, even if it became dimmed by the addiction. My grief has changed over the years and thanks to God and some intentional movement toward healing, my guilt has changed, too. I'm grateful that time has helped me let go of some of that.And I'm sad that time keeps going without you here.Although the grief has changed, I still cry often missing you. I long to talk to you and ask you all the mom questions, especially now as I'm raising two little ones and have even more gratitude for what you did for me. I've always been grateful for the ways you loved and nurtured me in my young years. You were the kind, caring, happy and loving mom that others admired. You gave so much of yourself to us.This letter could be a novel and one day, it might. But for now, I wish I could just tell you thank you one more time.  I know that your last years were not what you had hoped. I know you wanted more for yourself and for us. I wish I could hug you and be with you - and remind you of the you that I knew for so many of my years. The you that was you before pain and grief and sorrow and unhealthy coping took over. And I wish you could see me mothering my foster babies. I wish you could see the ways in which you loved and nourished and treasured me are being passed down to the little ones I get to love. Thank you.You've inspired me in so many ways. Your lovely way of mothering me inspires me to be the best mom I can be. And your struggles are the motivation for the work I feel called to in this world.Your heart was beautiful. You were beautiful. And I believe now, you're more beautiful, whole, and joyful than ever.Until I see you again, I love you.