Our hearts are breaking this week and I didn't know it would look like this.I thought that I'd be strong enough to handle the ups and downs and unpredictability of adoption but it turns out I'm not that tough, and I've noticed that my heart has been slowly leaking out the sadness and broken-ness over the past 10 days. There are moments in the car where the tears come, or Easter Sunday when I can't stay at church because I just need to be alone. I see all the facebook posts of all the sweet families dressed up for the holiday and I'm wondering why we aren't in that position.I don't want people to feel sorry for us, but I do want people to know that for some, it's really hard sometimes. I'm trying to trust that God has a plan...and it's 'better than what we'd hope for'...but we don't see it right now....and it hurts.This is honesty right here. It's not pretty and it's not comfortable, but it's real. This is a part of adoption and hopefully will be a part of our children's stories one day...that we were so broken-hearted but kept pursuing because they were worth every second of the pain, sadness, frustration with the system and the way things are...but it was worth it because THEY are worth it. I guess this is what it feels like to have labor pains. This kind just lasts a lot longer.I'm posting below and e-mail that I recently sent to family and friends in case you didn't get to see it. This is what's going on, what our current 'options' might be... we'd love your prayers for us as we navigate this next phase. Please pray for us and for our relationship..that we'd be able to communicate and love one another well when we are both hurt and struggling and trying to express something that may be in-expressible... We need God's love and mercy and hope.Hello Family and Friends,
First I want to say thank you so much. Thank you for caring and supporting, asking about and praying for this process with and for us. This month marks two years of being in this adoption process and I'm writing with some discouraging news.
Some of you know since I've been able to tell you in person, but our international agency has decided to close the Uganda program. Although sad and discouraged, I was not surprised by this decision. They have been working in the country trying to figure out if there was possibility of proceeding with an ethical adoption in that country right now. It's a complex system, and I've described it to many people...I'm also planning to write a blogpost with some more info at http://dearbeloveds.wordpress.com . But I wanted to write you all first.
It's heart-breaking for me especially since I was just there, spending every day with a group of orphans that I quickly began to love (I'm including a few photos). I miss them terribly. I didn't know I could love so deeply so quickly. And I have to believe that whomever God decides to bring into our family, I will feel the same way. It's hard because there are so many orphans there- it's one of the poorest countries in the world. I don't know why there's so much challenging in weaving these threads together, and why its so difficult to connect the kids who need a family with the families that desire kids.
So I've been asked a lot of questions about this and I'll try to answer them here. If you have other questions or encouragements, please feel free to e-mail or call or text. :)
Will you lose all the money?
We won't lose all the money..but we will lose some. The way adoption payments typically work is in increments. We pay an application fee in the beginning, then fees for the home-study, background checks, etc. Then we pay more when we get a referral and then we pay more...the total usually somewhere between $20,000-30,000. So far we have given close to $10,000. Some of that will still be good since we've already paid for our home-study. That can be applied to other future adoptions (but we will have to pay a "homestudy update fee" of $500).
What other options do you have?
This is the hard part.
1) We can stay with our international agency and proceed with another country. Right now, we qualify for a few other countries (all countries have different expectations and regulations...so some we "qualify" for and some we don't). Out of the countries we do qualify for, none of them have younger children able to be adopted. The youngest child would be five years old. Now Dan and I are not against adopting an older child, but we know that it would require a lot more and we would miss out on the younger years of development and attachment.
2) We can leave our international agency and go with another one. This would cost a lot more money. And time and energy..and maybe all for the same result. It's a big risk that we aren't sure we're willing to take right now.
3) We could pursue a domestic infant adoption through our home-study agency. This will be some-what like starting over, too, since we would have to fill out more applications, pay more fees (anywhere from $18,000-30,000).
4) We could do an embryo adoption. This option is the lest expensive, but the most interesting and different. There's a program called "snowflake adoption" in which people adopt frozen embryos that other people have no chosen to use when doing IVF. In this case, those who have done IVF and believe the embryos to be children, they do not want to discard them and have them adopted...they would then implant embryos and the adoptive mother would give birth to her adopted child/children. It's wild, and a little crazy some may think...but it's an option and it's the lest expensive of all.
5) We could move to Uganda and do foster-to-adopt there. It's extreme, yet...but if God calls us, we would go (and I would probably love it).
6) There are other options, like foster-care or finding a birth-mom who wants to give up her baby...but these options are a lot more complex and difficult to come-by...I don't know if my heart can take foster care when we don't have any other children right now. I know too much about the system here- I"ve worked in in, with the kids, families, and caseworkers... it doesn't feel like the right route at this point for us.
It's so hard because I truly want to adopt children who are in need. But the systems, the corruption, the brokenness of this world make it so darn difficult and expensive.
What are you going to do now?
We don't know. For those of you who pray...we need you to pray. Pray for us as we decide what to do next. Please pray for wisdom and guidance and a clear path from this point on. We know that it won't be easy, but we are willing.
The promises of God are unchanging. I believe that and I'm trusting and waiting in expectation to see what he will make of this. I hope you all might see him in this process too.